Is the GOAL of this life to get married and have kids?

Is getting married, having kids, as many kids as possible, the end all, be all, ultimate goal for Christians in this life according to the New Testament? I have been thinking a great deal about this as I have friends who are not getting married or getting pregnant.

Being married or being a parent is all the things the Scriptures say--a blessing, a wonder, and a great responsibility. But specifically going from unmarried to married, or from no children/wanting children to having them--is this the priority of our life here for the kingdom of God? A passage that got me thinking is Matthew 19:1-15:

1When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. 2Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
4“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?
6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
7“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
10The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
11Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
13Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them. 14Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” 15When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.

Jesus makes the point that it is a righteous perspective to be unmarried for the kingdom of God. Marriage is a blessing, children are precious in His sight, but God's priority is broader than to get married or have children. A man or woman who doesn't get married is undivided. A couple serving the Lord in some remote location who doesn't have children for the sake of the Gospel is not ungodly. I desire my children to grow up to serve the Lord however and where ever the Lord puts them on the Earth--even to the ends of the Earth. I don't want the goal of their life to be to get married and have children, because that is not the ultimate goal in this life for a Christian. God may lead them to get married and have children. He may then take their children or spouse or both away. For the married the priority becomes the husband and children. Our husband and children are not a distraction, but should open and enrich our ministry for sure. They are a blessing and a priority for ministry--second only to the Lord in our attention. What moves down in priority? The lost, the church, other people, other people's children....

This is where my ponderings go into meshing the biological family and family of faith. Is there a need for the body of Christ aside from Sundays? Is my family exclusively receiving my tenderness, my time, my devotion? That is something that is difficult and yet necessary to discern. Lord, do you want me to dedicate more to this family and less to the church? How can I be faithful to those you've entrusted me with? Who else do you want me to love for the sake of the Gospel? How do you want me to love them? I think of the Titus 2 passage here:
Titus 2:3-5
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.
Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children,
to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Who is going to teach the younger women in our church? How are they going to teach them? This comes back to what I wrote a few weeks back. I think that time together on a consistent basis (aside from Sunday mornings) is necessary for this training. Here is where the thinking cannot be: should I bother with these young ladies--I have my own children to train? Their own moms should train them. Here is also where I have come to have great peace about our decision NOT to have more children (unless the Lord wills otherwise). I have limited time and energy to invest in my husband and children. Beside these, He has called me to minister to the other dear ones around me--the women and children specifically. I cannot do this if all my focus is inward and if I continue to have more children. I want to minister to the children I have, as well as the sweet children of my sister-in-Christ who has demonstrated time and time again the desire for her church family to be an intimate part of life and that of her children. After all, I committed to encouraging her and her husband in the raising of their children when they stood before the church and dedicated each child. (One passage that refers to "children" is speaking of relationships that are not even biological--but oh so dear--like 3 John 1:4, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.") I want to, as Jesus said, "renounce" having more children "for the sake of the kingdom of heaven." I want to be about serving the Lord with gladness alongside my husband and with my children right there in whatever way He wants us to. I am not saying it is wrong to desire children, have children, and lots of them. I am not saying it is bad to get married or have that desire. I am saying that it is wrong to say that the opposite is wrong, and that it can be wrong if getting married and having children takes precedence over the fact that the priority of our life here is for the kingdom of God. For Him and to His glory--by Him, and through Him, in our marriage, in our family, in our faith family, in our neighborhood, in our community, in our world. I am not saying that the New Testament doesn't pertain to marriage or having children. I just have noticed that there isn't much mention of the apostles' wives or children...but instead such an urgency to proclaim the Gospel and live it. And I notice how incredibly intimate the mention of other believers is, such deep relationships to be had! May He direct our paths in this and give us discerning and wise hearts in all these things.

Of course, I am speaking as a married mother (I have a husband and children). These relationships are something the Lord has brought into my life and they are a GOOD thing. They are not wrong. I do not wish I were not married or had no or fewer children. I need to be faithful in loving and placing these ones first and foremost as far as relationships go. I must treasure them and love them as the ones God has placed in my life as a priority. The Body of Christ is bigger and the blessings to be had richer than just our little circle though. The more we open our home and are knit together with other believers, the more amazing this picture of "family" becomes (Jesus says, "Who are my mother and brothers and sisters....Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother" Mark 3:33-35). But I digress.

A passage that has also challenged me about the priority of GETTING married and HAVING more children is 1 Corinthians 7:32-35:
32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs — how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world — how he can please his wife — 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world — how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

That you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. Wow. For me this clearly shows where our priority must lie, whether we are married, unmarried, parents, children, grandparents, or whatever our family situation looks like. It goes back to the first commandment. Jesus says in Mark 12:30, quoting Deuteronomy 6:5: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Jesus demonstrates this as he outlines his plans in Mark 8:31. He would suffer, be rejected by the "spiritual" leaders, killed, and rise again after 3 days. Peter doesn't like this and Jesus rebukes Peter "for you are not setting your mind on God's interests, but man's" (Mark 8:33). Jesus then teaches: "If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's shall save it" (Mark 8:34-36). Jesus' priorities for life surely set the precedence for us.

The question about life--and in this considering whether or not to get married and whether or not to have children/more children--becomes, as it should be with all things, what is it, Lord, that would please You? How can I deny myself, take up my cross and follow You? How can I lose my life for Your sake and the gospel's? How can I love You and the people you have called me to love best? May your will be done in my life, as it is in Heaven. Guard me against sinful attitudes in which I try to hold on to the plans and ideas I have for my life and what would please me. I am Yours.

January-February Photos

Hanna, Carl, Maggie, and Lily in the mustard.

Valentine's Day Sweeties

Our family

Snow trip to Truckee--

Hanna sledding (above) and Maggie catches major air.

First skiing for Hanna and Maggie.

Lily kisses Mr. Snowman.

Couch pile-up with Papa.

Indian maidens and fry bread.

Indian maidens and fry bread.

The Antidote for Worry

I've been reading in the book of Mark--chapters 4, 5, and 6. Many terrible things are happening. Jesus and his disciples don't get much sleep or time to even eat. Multitudes of people are pushing, shoving, and so very needy. There is an enormous storm that has these seasoned fishermen terrified. They are sure their boat is sinking and that they will drown. A huge amount of evil spirits possess a man that is tormented day and night. A 12 year-old daughter is dying. A woman has been bleeding for 12 years, spending all she had on doctors that only made her problem worse. The 12 year-old girl dies. Jesus just doesn't seem to be in a hurry to keep these things from happening. These are all completely logical causes for worry!

But Jesus treats each case with authority that clearly shows who He is--God! In each worrisome situation, there is the opportunity for fear or for faith.

His disciples keep being captured by their fears. This storm is just too much for God. Jesus doesn't even seem to care. He's snoozing away without a care. What is wrong with Him?! Jesus, when roused, responds to his disciples' fears with, "Why are you timid? Don't you have faith?" and he stretches out his hands and calms the seas and winds.

Jesus tosses out the 2,000 demons, enlisting the jubilant, cleansed man not to follow Him but to go tell others what had happened (while those who had seen it want Jesus out of their life). He is free, while the observers continue to be bound as they reject the Source of freedom.

Jesus goes to the house of the dying daughter, but on the way gets waylaid by the touch of the bleeding woman who knows if she just touches the fabric connected to Jesus, she'll be healed. Jesus knows that the power has gone forth, and tells the quivering woman that her faith had healed her. No more fear.

But now poor Jairus, the daddy who had rushed to get Jesus to his dying daughter, get news that it's too late. Jesus just wasn't quick enough. Surely here is cause for worry, for bitterness (why did that lady touch Jesus and slow Him down), for pride (I am more important than others--I am a synagogue official)...for selfishness (I was here first). Right away Jesus turns to this man and comforts him, "Don't be afraid, just believe." And that, in a spiritual nutshell, is the antidote for worry. Battling fear and trying desperately to believe, Jairus goes with Jesus and watches him raise his little girl from the dead.

Jesus works on growing faith instead of fear with the disciples, sending them out two by two to preach repentance. "Take nothing," He says. You can picture the guys glancing at each other with wrinkled brows and wide eyes. "Nothing? That's terrifying. No food? I need to eat. In fact, I'm hungry right now. No extra clothes? I might get cold, or dirty, or what I have on may wear out. Where will I sleep? I've never gone very far from home before. Who's going to listen? What if they laugh? The people just laughed at Jesus for saying the little girl wasn't dead. I am not Jesus. I don't know what to say!" Jesus continues to grow their faith as they go out and come back to Him. He's waiting to hear and give them rest.

In the most terrifying times, or times where thoughts just don't stop rampaging--Don't worry or be afraid, just believe. Believe in Jesus.

Another Installation in Relationships Within the Church (especially among women)

When it gets right down to it, I feel connected to those who I know their continual struggles and they know mine. Do their continual complaints weigh me down? Depends. If it is shared in a "life stinks and it is always stinky" way, sure. But if it is shared in a "here I am again...please pray with me/for me/help me find some encouragement through all this" then no. I definitely hear what you're saying about not speaking words that don't edify and give grace. That definitely falls in the first category "stinky, always stinky" sharing. Sometimes we do that and need more prayer. But the words of "this is me today" are opening the door to be edified/edify. Otherwise, it is difficult to know each other and impossible to be able to edify or give grace. I wonder sometimes where I'm at with someone (they act funky) and don't know that they are feeling poorly, or that they had a spat with their husband, or that they just got their period.... I tend to be an "this is me" communicator, and I wonder sometimes if that person really needed to hear/cared to hear about my lack of sleep or my period. I struggle with the balance of sharing my life in a way that is helpful for relationships--should I tell them how I am feeling and struggling, or just say, "God is always good and is giving me strength" which is true as well? I suppose both are necessary for true communication. I also believe that consistency is a key. If I am connected to someone by spending time/communication with them frequently, we are definitely able to pray and encourage each other more--and understand whatever is going on in that person's life because we KNOW each other. This also opens the door for understanding, prayer, and more fellowship of His sufferings as we get to spend time in the same place, same time for however long the Lord has it.

It is a struggle to know how much to share and with whom. The Lord definitely had his "lonely" times (Mark 1) with his Father. Obviously God is our one with whom we should share the most intimate and all our struggles. But Jesus also had this group of guys that were always with him, almost all the time. They were supposed to encourage/learn from/pray with him--and later we see how they ministered and were knit together and forced apart to minister elsewhere. It is really in Acts and in the Epistles that we read more about what the church was like or should be like. It is how we love each other that the world will see Jesus. But how can we love each other when we barely know each other beyond the surface? I think it needs to come from time and consistency.




This isn't totally on topic, but the verse of the week for me is 2 Corinthians 9:8! Check it out:

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Amy Carmichael wrote that she heard this verse preached but was too far in the back and couldn't hear much of what the preacher said except, "All....all...all....all...all." :)

A Painting I am Working On...

Vulnerability within the Church (especially among women)

I understand the desire to close up to people/not let them get too near/not be transparent in order to not get hurt. I have struggled with this so much. But so many of the Lord's commands have the words "one another." It is impossible to do these without each other. It is also impossible to be knit together as a true body when we don't connect on a pretty deep level. The word "body" even shows this--it's not single units stringed together like a necklace, not getting too close but being close "enough." All in all, it is a huge spiritual battle. What an amazing encouragement it is to hear each other's sins and struggles, to pray together, to spend time together, to speak Scripture to each other, to be involved in each other's children's lives, to pinpoint sin and confront, and to see victories and rejoice. But this is such a battle. It is so much easier to not share sins and struggles, to not pray, to stay alone, to be alone in our Scripture discoveries, to not be inconvenienced, to keep away and not go too deep. I am speaking to myself in all of this. When we look at the church in Acts, or hear Paul talking about other believers who have so encouraged him...these are things that cannot happen as we stay back and remain at a distance. Not only is Jesus an "all in" relationship, but the relationship we get to have with each other can be at that level. Does that mean we'll get hurt? Sure. Jesus and Paul certainly did. Does that mean we'll hurt others? Sure. Paul did (I'm thinking Barnabas here--they had a sharp dispute, so that was definitely a bad day for both of them). But what an enormous blessing we are able to live out as a body knit together, functioning to the glory of God as the world "sees" what Jesus is in us. The things that hold me back are definitely wrong thinking each time:
"She doesn't really care."
"I am fine without her in my life."
"I am too tired to deal with her issues."
"She isn't a blessing to me."
"I need help, and she obviously doesn't, so I'm pathetic."
"She has made me feel ugly (or fat or like a bad mother or like a mess or...) before so I don't want to feel that way anymore."
"I always say the wrong thing around her so she probably thinks I'm an idiot."
"I've asked for forgiveness but she still seems weird towards me. I'll just be surfacy with her from now on."
"She has a better life. It's too painful to be near her and hear about it."
"I'm fine with God, my husband and kids. I don't need anyone else."
"I don't want to be a burden."
"I am a burden and no one wants to deal with that so I'll just draw away from them."

I tried to dig deep to think of some of the wrong and sinful thoughts I've had that have hampered my relationships, caused me to become bitter, or just plain been wrong. These are just off the top of my head (pretty sad, I know!). But in order for our body to flourish, we need to need and know each other. The biggest verse for this is John 13:34-35:

Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Just analyzing how Jesus loved as well as thinking about what love looks like is enough to make my brain go into overdrive. Some of it is fleshed out in:
Rom. 12:10
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Rom. 12:16
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Rom. 14:13
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.
Rom. 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Rom. 15:14
I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another.
1Cor. 1:10
I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.
1Cor. 16:20
All the brothers here send you greetings. Greet one another with a holy kiss.
2Cor. 13:12
Greet one another with a holy kiss.
Gal. 5:13
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.
Eph. 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Eph. 4:32
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Eph. 5:19
Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord,
Eph. 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Col. 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Col. 3:16
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.
1Th. 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Titus 3:3
At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.
Heb. 3:13
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.
Heb. 10:24
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
Heb. 10:25
Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another — and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
James 4:11
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.
1Pet. 1:22
Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.
1Pet. 3:8
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.
1Pet. 4:9
Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.
1Pet. 5:5
Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
1Pet. 5:14
Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace to all of you who are in Christ.
1John 1:7
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
1John 3:11
This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.
1John 3:23
And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us.
1John 4:7
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
1John 4:11
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
1John 4:12
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
2 John 1:5
And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another.

YIKES!!! As I read through these, I am seriously convicted. I know I have definitely not been the best at showing love and am so sorry for the many times I have hurt others. May God use this wretch (me) for His glory. May I be open and able to "one another" in His church.

Fletcher Christmas Letter 2008

Dear Friends and Family,

What a wonder that another year has come and gone. We enjoyed visits from friends and family as well as taking a trip to NJ, southern California, and many getaways with our trailer.

Carl (37) - Carl continues to pastor Grace Church. He is busy finding a new place for our church to meet, studying, preaching, installing new windows in our house, keeping up with our busy family, and meeting with people. He is thankful for the Lord’s all-sufficient grace through Christ.

Kerstin (36) - What a year it’s been. I have seen the hospital a bunch, with my own knee surgery (indoor soccer injury) and Lily’s deflux injection. I continue to homeschool, have started on Facebook (which has been fun), still am painting and drawing, and am really glad that God has given me people like you to share life with. We have enjoyed God’s working out His place as first and foremost in our hearts through sad changes in our church and new joy and hope for the future. I have decided that “for me to live is Christ” is my verse for 2009. He is so delightful and sufficient for every need.


Johanna (11) - Hanna is such a growing young lady. She is able to cook and bake, and loves to help out. Hanna always has plans--from playing airplane where Lily and Trey are her kids, to having a pretend farm in the backyard where the little ones can milk a cow (a rubber glove), find an egg (our chickens hadn’t laid eggs yet so she settled for plastic ones in their pen), ride a wagon, and bob for apples. She also loves to take care of things so that we can stay in bed just a little longer. Hanna loves ballet--starting en pointe this year, and plays piano and violin. She got to go horseback riding a couple times and really enjoyed that too. Hanna’s favorite Bible verses are from Romans 12:1-2: Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Magdeline (9) - Maggie is a sweetheart who finally got the bunny she’s been longing for a long time. His name is Benjamin. He is tan and the most beautiful rabbit we’ve ever seen (but has a penchant for electrical wires). Maggie would rather be playing with the little ones or standing on her head than doing her schoolwork. She changes her name regularly and is currently going by “Meg.” Maggie says the funniest things (the bran cereal is “Brain” cereal, and the animal that is an antelope is a “cantaloupe”). She definitely likes to express her thoughts with vivid, unique language. “I’m bursting hungry, beaming hot, and pure tired.” Maggie has deep thoughts about why God doesn’t answer prayers immediately how she would like it. Her prayers are so heartfelt and honest. I often find a sweet note in my bed encouraging me or apologizing for something. Her favorite verse is Philippians 1:6, “I am confident of this very thing that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”


Lilyana (4 1/2) - Lily finally got to stop taking antibiotics this year. She is a tenacious, fun-loving little ray of sunshine. She chatters away, saying things like, “I don’t like slime” and “If God wants me to be a dentist, I’ll scrub people’s teeth and if they’re dusty, I’ll wipe them off.” Lily is always collecting acorns, shells, leaves, or pebbles. Her shelves are full of her treasures and when Carl was tickling her yesterday, all sort of things fell out of her pockets. Lily has a recipe box full of make-believe goodies: all her recipes have the ingredients strawberries, chocolate, and whipped cream. When her belly growls, it is “talking” about something. Lily loves helping out, going to preschool, and doing art. She is hardly ever found without a marker in hand. The turkey at Thanksgiving was “Opa’s Chicken” and the stuffed animal cat at the library dressed up like a rooster is the “Cockadoodle Kitty.” She is still super expressive and has us all laughing with her funny faces.

Carl III a.k.a. “Trey” (2 1/2) Our little dude is growing so quickly. He is never found without a box or bag of his “duff” (stuff) that he lugs around wherever he’s going. His favorite songs are “Nothing But The Blood Of Jesus” and “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands,” often singing one or the other at the top of his lungs early in the morning. He also makes us all laugh and is such a fun companion for his sisters. Highlights of Trey’s life are when the garbage truck comes on Monday mornings, when someone is chasing or tickling him, and when it’s birthday time (he talks about birthdays every day and is super excited that it’s Jesus’ birthday soon). Trey will be chatting on his imaginary phone, “I lub you too, sista.” He adores biking, parking his toy cars in different locations in our house (that usually block a doorway), playing with trains (he’s a big Thomas fan), taking care of his Blankie, following his sisters around, and dragging his Sesame Street suitcase around. When we were camping, Trey pointed out all the “duffed aminals” (thinking the squirrels and chipmunks were stuffed animals let loose in the wild). He loves the smell of a car engine (wonder where he got that from!) and will be found racing into a room and landing with a big belly flop.

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17).”

We wish you a very Merry Christmas, and God’s peace in 2009.


Much love,

The Fletchers

We love to keep in touch. Visits are wonderful too!